10 Reasons Why Valentine’s Day is Stupid

Or maybe I’m just bitter…

You probably expected me to write about all of the cool products you can get for your sweetheart for Valentine’s Day right? WRONG! Because Valentine’s day is stupid.

That’s right. I hate Valentine’s Day.

So I’d like to take this moment to express my feelings about my least favorite holiday of the year. Maybe you will also agree that Valentines day is stupid too.

Let’s Celebrate Murder!

Ok, let’s not.

But did you know that this holiday was originally intended to celebrate Saint Valentine’s death?

Legend has it in third-century Rome, this priest named Saint Valentine illegally performed marriages in secret during a time when men were expected to be soldiers rather than husbands.

When this was discovered by the reigning Emperor Claudius, Valentine was put to death for his crimes.

St. Valentine’s Head in Rome – Photo by Lawrence OP

Romantic huh?

If you want to know more about the origin of Valentine’s Day, here is a great link that discusses the history and all the gory details.

So then how did it evolve into the ridiculous holiday that it is now?

Because greeting cards found a way to make money off of it. And then over time, it all spiraled out of control.

Here is why I hate Valentine’s Day…

1. Strictly Commercial

This is what I call a “Hallmark Holiday”. What I mean by this, is that it’s some made-up holiday where people are guilted into buying cards and gifts to express their love.

If you want to buy me a Valentine’s Day card, however, the ones found here would be right up my alley.

Thanks

2. Under Pressure

It is a whole lot of pressure to put on someone.

The love of your life shouldn’t feel obligated to buy you anything to get “favors” in return.

Or on the other hand, if he (or she) refuses to buy something then he/she still runs the risk of the other partner getting mad.

Guess I gotta put out now…

But if you are going to buy your love a ring, you’ll need a really cool ring holder to go with it. Remind her how sexy you are with this one. Trust me, she’ll love it!

Never let her forget who gave her that ring!

3. Cheesy Gifts

If you think you’re slick by buying one of those $2 Teddy Bears from the guy selling them out of his van on the side of the road, you’re not. They’ll know.

So if you absolutely must buy your love a teddy bear, you might as well fork up the big bucks and get a giant teddy bear like this.

Just don’t be jealous of the bear!

P.S. If YOU make your love of your life feel bad about buying a crappy gift, then you are part of the problem. Shame on you!

4. The Crowds

Good luck with finding a restaurant on Valentine’s Day.

Yep, have fun with that.

We made reservations 6 months ago.

5. Fuck Flowers

Flowers die.

A silk plant, on the other hand, is always nice.

What a waste.

6. Candy Hearts are Gross

They are also inappropriate for 5-year-old children in kindergarten.

You really want your little boy to give a little girl a heart that says “Reach 4 It?” That is kind of creepy.

And they use horrible spelling. Crazy 4U is just wrong! Is this what we’re teaching our kids?!

If you must buy these annoying candy hearts for Valentine’s Day, knock yourself out with this huge bag.

Then you can have candy hearts 4evr!

Inappropriate!

7. Cupid is an Asshole

If I saw an ugly fat baby in a sash flying around with a bow and arrow pointed at me, I’d run screaming for the hills.

Gah! Where’s my fly swatter?

Please don’t kill me!

8. It’s Depressing

It makes single people feel awful!

Remember high school candy grams and everyone in school seemed to get one except you, so you bought one for yourself from “Your Secret Admirer”?

No? Ok, I guess that was just me…

But I’m sure you can remember those days of being single and not having someone to share Valentine’s Day with. It sucks and it’s depressing.

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day then obviously something must be wrong with you. I bet you hate Valentine’s Day too.

Something is clearly wrong with her.

9. It’s Obnoxious

And you have to watch other people celebrate Valentine’s day. Seriously, get a room!

Whether it’s the inappropriate displays of public affection or seeing every single store filled to the brim with hearts and the color red.

It’s just constantly thrown in your face in February. Kill me now.

Target, you are always red, so I forgive you.

No one wants to watch you make out.

10. More Candy?!

I was looking forward to finally losing all the weight gained over Thanksgiving and Xmas. Why are you now tempting me with that delicious box of chocolate candy?

I hate you.

This is all your fault!

Am I Bitter?

Not really. I’m just jealous practical.

Nobody should need a holiday to show the love of their life how they really feel. And no other holiday makes those without a partner feel like crap quite like this one.

Gifts and flowers are so much more meaningful if they are given on the spur of the moment.

Wouldn’t you be more amazed if your partner randomly surprised you with a token of their affection on a regular day when it’s not expected? That is love right there.

And if Valentine’s day is the only day of the year where you or your spouse remembers to do something special for each other, then I get it. And I’m sorry.

As for me, I don’t need jewelry, flowers, or cards. If you want to express your love for me, show me that you can save money.

Nothing shows love like a home-cooked meal. Can you at least wear a shirt though?

Do the laundry (after 7pm – it’s cheaper), cook me dinner, or wash my car. Heck, I’d even be thrilled if you would just put the freaking toilet paper on the roll.

And while I might bitch and moan about how you are ruining my diet, I totally would not turn down a box of chocolate. I’m particularly partial to truffles like these. Heck, I’ll even share a piece or two.

Don’t push it.

*This post is totally tongue in cheek, so please don’t send me hate mail. I still think Valentine’s day is stupid though.

Do you hate Valentines Day as much as I do? Why or why not?

Let me know in the comments!