Why Turning 40 Sucks – by a former hottie

When I was a kid, I couldn’t wait to grow up. In fact, I naively assumed that by the time I turned 40, I would have it all! But the reality is far from what I imagined, and I’m not happy about it. So allow me to share with you the brutal truth about turning 40 so you can have something to look forward to. Or not.

I thought I would have it all when I turned 40. Boy, was I wrong! Here's the brutal truth about turning 40 - from a former hottie who refuses to face facts. Click To Tweet

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In my late teens and 20s, I was cool, sexy, and got a lot of attention. It was the 90s. A time when glam rock turned into grunge. We all had big hair and showed lots of skin.

Like most of Generation X, our female role models were Madonna and Kelly Bundy. So it wasn’t unusual to bare our belly buttons in public with our sluttiest, shortest skirts and highest heels (or in my case – combat boots).

Don’t lie. You know you did it too!

I certainly was no saint and have may have just a few regrets. But my biggest regret is all the shit I never expected about turning 40.

And as a former hottie (IMHO) who’s currently 45 years old and still extremely vain, I’m refusing to go down without a fight.

Without further ado, I give you my rant about all the fucked up things I’ve discovered after turning 40 and how I learned that I’m officially old.

Maybe some of you can relate!

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1. Nobody is surprised when I tell them my age.

When I was in my mid to late 30s, I would always get a kick out of telling people my age. Everyone would always go “Wow, you look so much younger” and it would make me feel great.

But these days, when I tell people my age, they just kind of nod and smile.

I used to get lots of whistles and unwanted attention when going out for public for pretty much my entire life. And while I guess it should be considered a compliment, I freaking hated it!

In recent years, I’ve noticed that people barely give me a second glance. When I first started noticing this, it was an eye-opener and – dare I say it – a bit of a downer.

So now when I get approving glances and whistles, I actually DO consider it a compliment.

I am a little too overjoyed when I get carded. And when I look at the person carding me, instead of shock and awe at how great I look for my age, there’s that usual nod and smile.

Womp, womp.

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2. I suddenly have cheekbones!

You see, I’ve officially lost all the baby fat from my face. Well, I shouldn’t say lost.

It actually slid down my face to into these melted puddles known as jowls and marionette lines.

Some people get 11’s in their foreheads. But I actually have = signs.

Botox and Fillers are amazing. But since I’m cheap and too broke to keep it up every 3 months, I’ve had to come up with my own ghetto facelift hacks.

And can we just talk about pimples for a minute? I’m 40, not 14! WTH is going on?!

Instead of those tiny easily poppable whiteheads I got as a teenager, I’m now cursed with hormonal acne. This time, they are deep, under the skin. Seriously, my chin looks like a minefield and they hurt like a bitch.

The worst part is, they never come to a head so you can’t really pop them. Although that still doesn’t stop me from trying.

I’m not advocating this btw – don’t yell at me!

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3. I can no longer do my makeup

Because my face is starting to resemble a Shar-Pei, I don’t know how to do my makeup anymore.

Matte foundation is no longer in my vocabulary. That shit just sinks into my giant orange peel pores and shows off every wrinkle on my face.

Hell, my already naturally hooded eyes are so freaking droopy now, it’s amazing I can even see!

I have always rocked winged eyeliner, but now that wing is broken and no longer flies. In fact, any eye makeup I use practically disappears as soon as I open my eyes.

Sometimes I even wonder what’s the point?

But I’m not ready to give up that sexy cat-eye look, so if there’s a crazy product out there to help keep these wings in the air, I’m going to try it!

Even drawing on lipliner is a pain in the ass. It’s kind of like driving a car over potholes. The pencil gets stuck in every crack and crevice caused by sexy smokers lines.

And yes, you can get them even if you’ve never smoked, simply by making those ugly butthole duck faces in your photos.

So stop it. You look like an ass. Literally.

The only way I manage to look cute in photos these days is through the magic of photo filters.

But you won’t catch me using those stupid puppy dog noses. In fact, no one should.

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4. I have no clue how to dress

To be fair, fashion has never been my forte.

Back in the 90s when I was still young and hot, I used to wear cute graphic tees that showed off my pierced belly button with a pair of tiny daisy dukes and a lacy plastic choker.

It wouldn’t be unusual to find me sporting a bustier or bra as a top at a concert or club. I was all about accentuating my best features, and back then it was the boobs and the boo-tay.

And even though I didn’t have a great sense of style, it didn’t really matter because I was cute and edgy.

But now, in my 40s, I have no idea how to dress in a way that still expresses my unique style while also being age-appropriate a.k.a. not slutty.

And since I’m not rich, it needs to be cheap – without making ME look cheap.

Seriously, my taste in clothes makes me either look like I’m trying too hard or like I should be playing bingo at the retirement home. I don’t want to look like a grandma!

I get it. I know those days of belly shirts are over.

Instead of sexy clothes that hug my curves, I have to find clothes that hide the bakery that is now my body.

Yes, I’m talking muffins, rolls, and pancakes. Plus there’s been a new development… Back fat. Yum.

It would be nice to be able to wear a bathing suit without showing the world my blinding white cottage cheese ass and jello thighs. Needless to say, thongs are no longer in the rotation.

I’m still waiting for someone to invent a cute bathing suit that covers our thighs. Hello? Anyone?

Guess I can always wear bike shorts – cuz that’s not obvious or anything.

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5. Must. Stop. Eating.

All that talk about food made me hungry.  In fact, I used to be one of the lucky ones who could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight.

Don’t hate. As soon as I hit my mid-30s, I started noticing that the scale started slowly creeping up week by week, yet I hadn’t changed a thing!

It was then that I realized the party was over. I hate working out, so I decided to just focus on counting calories to lose weight with a phone app.

Let me tell you, it’s not easy. I have to obsessively pay attention to every single thing that I put in my mouth hole. Well, almost everything.

In fact, I can tell you exactly how many calories you are consuming just by longingly looking at what you’re eating right now. It’s a pretty cool party trick and my friends and family love it!

Ok, no, they don’t.

Hell, all I know is that counting calories was working for me and I was able to get back and maintain a normal BMI for my size.

And although I had to give up donuts and pizza forever, I never had to hit a gym!

Until now.

I’m still counting and limiting my calories to about 1300 a day, but the scale is freaking starting to move up again.

Fuck! It’s so hard and I’m so hungry!

I hear it just gets worse after menopause. Awesome. Can’t wait.

Guess I may have to start hitting up a gym. But I can’t do jumping jacks anymore and my knees and back hurt just from walking around Home Depot for 30 mins!

Maybe I should just give up and enjoy life a little more.

Ugh! Decisions.

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6. Anxiety about anxiety

Like a lot of Generation X kids, we had to fight for our right to parrrrtaaayyyy!

Now in my 40s, I have irrational valid fears about what those years of “fun” have done to me on a physical level. So it’s no wonder that I freak out over every little thing when it comes to my health, right?

I know most of it is all in my head, but sure as shit, the anxiety is real! And I’ve become a fucking hypochondriac.

Every headache is a brain tumor. Heart flutters mean I’m having a heart attack. If I’m short of breath, I definitely have lung cancer.

Many days I wake up grateful that I actually lived through the night.

In fact, I have literally gotten panic attacks just from accelerating my car at a green light.

Needless to say, I’ve developed a fondness for vitamins and supplements.

Rollercoasters and Merry-go-rounds make me dizzy now. I can no longer “spot” when twirling without the world spinning too.

After turning 40, I realized that coffee after 1 pm keeps me up all night (wondering if I’m going to live).

And since I don’t drink coffee in the afternoon, I find myself nodding off around 8pm – when all the good TV shows start.

Speak up, Sonny. I can’t hear you!

My hearing is starting to go. I swear, I can have the TV volume up full blast, but I still can’t hear what people are saying so I have to use closed captions – especially when people have accents.

Since I can’t hear well, I have to turn my car radio up loud too.

But when I get in my car first thing in the morning, it’s too god damn loud! Even though it’s at the same it volume I left it at yesterday.

And I have to turn it completely off when I need to concentrate – like trying to find an address or something. My husband thinks that’s weird.

I blame it on all those years of standing in front of the speaker at rock concerts. Hell, I’m short, it would be the only place I could get a spot and see the band!

Is that an F or an E?

All these years of seeing have taken its toll on my vision.

Right about the time I turned 40, I was looking through my clothes to find a pair of “fat pants” to fit my wider thighs and I realized I couldn’t read the freaking labels!

Boom. I needed glasses.

Fortunately, my vision is still pretty decent (it was perfect until I turned 40), but now I simply can not read text without them. And since I never know when I’m going to need them, I have a pair of glasses in every room of the house.

I guess I could just wear them around my neck on a chain. But remember what I said about looking like a grandma? Waaahhh!

I think I have dementia.

No joke. My memory and concentration are so bad, I have to write everything down.

And I can assure you if you are speaking to me and you don’t have my full attention, I will have no idea what you just said.

I can’t remember actors names, song titles, life events, or if I turned off the flat iron this morning.

I have actually turned around and drove back home just to make sure I locked the doors.

Friends will tell me about cool places we went or crazy things we did and I will have absolutely no recollection of it. It actually makes me really sad.

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7. Speaking of friends…

For me, one of the best things about turning 40 is that I have developed quite a large accumulation of friends over the years. And with the invention of Facebook and other social media, I have been able to reconnect with so many of them, even from childhood.

And guess what? They are all my age too!

Here some brutal observations I have discovered about my peers since turning 40. Maybe it will offer some comfort in knowing that we are all in this together!

If my friends are reading this, I’m not singling anyone out, so please don’t take anything I say personally! 

In my head, my friends look the same as the day I met them. 

But in reality, I have some friends that I barely recognize now. They have gotten bigger, grayer, balder, and bushier. And when you enter your 40s, you will definitely notice it too.

A lot of my 40+ friends are still single. Some have been married and divorced, and some just haven’t found the one, and some have no interest in it. And that is totally okay!

There are no rules and there is no pressure. Many Gen Xers were children of divorce, so it really shouldn’t be too surprising.

Just know that it’s not as uncommon as one might expect for our age.

People can change for the better! 

I’ve seen bullies grow up to be special-ed teachers and quiet kids are now movie producers. In fact, I’ve even become friends with many of my childhood nemesis’ and it’s really nice.

I also have friends that I have absolutely nothing in common with anymore.

After turning 40, I realized that just because we may have had some good times, these people are no longer necessary in my life. And I don’t feel guilty about it either.

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Get off my lawn!

I know I’ve done a lot of whining. But don’t worry – turning 40 isn’t all bad.

Even though I think new music sucks and have no clue how to use Snapchat, I don’t really give a shit about what people think anymore.

My priorities in life have changed, but my personality hasn’t. I still feel like that same person that I was in high school, only a little less selfish and lot more empathetic.

Plus I can do my taxes all by myself! Woohoo!

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful – I’m not. I have a decent job, own a modest home, and have an awesome husband and son.

I realize there are some people who sadly, don’t even make it to 40.

The future will always be uncertain, but I’m always going to keep striving for success.

Just don’t tell me to grow old gracefully, because fuck off. I’m over 40 and I can do what I want.

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What are some things you’ve noticed about getting older? Where do you see yourself when you turn 40? Leave me a comment and let me know!