I’m a Hypochondriac and I’m Not Okay

On the outside, I’m a pretty “together” person. Sure, I might be a little goofy, and some people think I’m crazy. But not for the reasons you might think. You see, I actually suffer from a mental illness called Hypochondria or Health Anxiety Disorder. While I haven’t been formally diagnosed, I believe it’s true – I’m a hypochondriac, duh! And right now with this Coronavirus pandemic, my anxiety is going into overdrive. So today I want to share my story because I’m a hypochondriac and I’m not okay.

How my Health Anxiety Disorder started

As a child, I was pretty healthy. But I used to get stomach cramps and suffered from chronic constipation. In fact, I still do.

My earliest memory is my mom taking me to Nathan’s Hot Dogs. I was probably 5 years old.

I couldn’t make a bowel movement and I started screaming, screaming, screaming. It sounded like I was being murdered in the restaurant bathroom!

My mom was so worried and didn’t know what was wrong with me, but I couldn’t really communicate what was happening, only that my stomach hurt.

I just remember that I was making such a scene, we had to leave the restaurant.

The doctors said I need to eat more fiber, drink more water, and that it was probably just stress.

I’ve struggled with health anxiety ever since I was a child.

In 5th grade, somehow I learned about appendicitis. And then I somehow developed an irrational fear about people cutting my stomach open.

I was so consumed with this fear, one day I randomly started crying in class because of my stupid obsessive thoughts.

My teacher took me outside to speak with me privately, and I just felt so foolish telling her.

I told her I was having stomach pains (I don’t remember if I was) and was worried that I might have appendicitis.

She told my mom who said if I was having appendicitis, I would be screaming in pain. I wasn’t sure I believed her, but at least I didn’t die.

I still suffer from tummy issues. Hand photo created by katemangostar – www.freepik.com

Once I was old enough to see a doctor on my own, I was diagnosed with IBS-C. Now I actively manage it with diet and Miralax and I’ve been doing much better.

But to this day, I believe my fears might have been a premonition.

My grandmother and my mom both ended up with stomach cancer. May they rest in peace.

And because it’s genetic, I think it’s only a matter of time before it happens to me.

After turning 40, my health has become an extremely unhealthy preoccupation.

In fact, I’ve become so well-versed about medical conditions, I can probably diagnose YOU.

Is it a brain tumor?

A few years back, I developed a daily chronic migraine headache that lasted for several weeks.

I had vertigo, daily intense pain in the same spot, blurry vision, and slurred speech. I was pretty convinced that I had a brain tumor and it was all I could think about.

After a visit with a neurologist and a scary MRI, it turned out to be a serious sinus infection requiring surgery.

I was really scared that I had a brain tumor. Medical photo created by kjpargeter – www.freepik.com

But after all that, I still have migraines. And vertigo. And blurry vision.

Now often when I drive, I start to feel dizzy and out of sorts which is causing panic attacks and extreme anxiety. It’s becoming a real problem.

My new neurologist said he wants me to see an eye doctor or else I am going to need another MRI.

After consulting Dr. Google, I learned about Binocular Vision Disorder which encompasses all of my symptoms. If you click the link, you’ll see how closely it matches!

So that’s next on my list of disorders. And if it’s not BVD, I’m pretty much out of options other than I must just be nuts.

Everything is cancer

I was a rebellious teen and I became addicted to smoking cigarettes when I was 12.

Back in the 80’s, it was cool – at least I thought it was. I wanted to act older and I wanted to impress my friends who also smoked cigarettes. It was a way to bond.

My mom was a smoker too and I used to steal her cigarette butts out of the ashtray and go outside and smoke them.

Eventually, my mom found out and just decided to let me smoke in the house so I wouldn’t go off sneaking around. I would buy them out of the cigarette machine at the local bowling alley.

We’ll save the story of my mom for another time. Just let it go. 

I started smoking young because I thought I was cool. But now I think I’m fucked.

Dad was a smoker too. He started smoking when he was 11 and finally quit in his 60s and he was fine and healthy.

Annnd then he was diagnosed with lung cancer 20 years later when he was 80. He also had severe dementia. He died at 81, but I’m not sure which disease killed him.

I ended up smoking cigarettes for 25 years but I eventually quit in 2013 and I’m concerned that it’s catching up to me now.

Occasionally I get heart palpitations, shortness of breath, and congestion in my lungs.

And while I know these are all signs of anxiety, I am still convinced that I am in the early stages of lung cancer. Every palpitation means I’m closer to death.

Just last month, I went to a cardiologist to check on the heart palpitations. I mean, even if it’s not cancer, it could be something else like COPD or heart disease, right?

If it’s not cancer, maybe I have COPD or heart disease. People photo created by jcomp – www.freepik.com

During the ultrasound of my heart, the guy said that my lungs were in the way.

Of course, I asked him if that was bad and he said that it can happen with people who are smaller (like me) or have issues with their lungs. Great.

So even though I was there to check my heart, I was kind thinking that this might actually expose lung cancer and I was terrified.

Fortunately, the cardiologist said I have a slight murmur (which we need to watch), but my heart looks strong and good.

He said not to worry too much about the palpitations as they are probably caused by dehydration or excessive caffeine.

I definitely feel better now and can at least check that off my list.

But visions of the future fill my head in anticipation of the day I start coughing blood. At that point, I’ll know it’s real and will be too late.

Right now I’m too scared to find out.

Maybe I’m just overreacting

Fortunately, I rarely get sick. I’m not a germaphobe, but I wash my hands often and always keep my distance when others around me are ill.

At the first sign of a cold, I take Airborne or Emergen-C (both of which I swear by) and it either goes away completely or is very mild. I always have some in the house.

And while I don’t have Covid-19 (yet), I’m already sick and festering with worry.

Why aren’t people taking this more seriously?

Yet it seems like most of my friends and family are not in the same headspace as me and I find this incredibly bothersome.

Many of them think it’s a bunch of hype.

Some of them seem more concerned that their favorite stores are closed or their concerts got canceled or they can’t get a haircut.

Other people still call it a hoax. I want to throat punch them.

All I keep thinking is SERIOUSLY?! This is what happened to Italy, and we’re fucking next in the U.S.

I live in AZ and I just KNOW we are very behind in this ass-backward state. They barely started testing people and I am just waiting for the numbers to rise.

In fact, hubby just informed me that there were 2 new cases at the airforce base a few miles away. AWESOME!

The US numbers are rising by the day.

The news says this can go on for months and unfortunately, I don’t see this stopping in the near future.

And since people here don’t seem to care, I’m paranoid that they may open the schools too soon.

What if I have to go back to the office before this all blows over?

When is it really safe to go back to normal?

On top of having health anxiety, there are other serious, valid concerns about how this is affecting the world.

Will the economy ever recover? Will we get laid off? Hell, I still have PTSD from the recession of 2008.

It’s a lot of weight to carry and it’s exhausting. It’s almost overshadowed my cancer fear and I don’t know if this is good or bad.

There’s only so much I can do

I am currently working remotely, but my husband, unfortunately, can’t. To make matters worse, he works at the airport for a company that handles baggage.

Hell, the first person in AZ that died, worked for the freaking airport that he works at! Fuck!

Hubby works at the airport and it freaks me out.

Thankfully he doesn’t handle the luggage, but he still has to use the same doorknobs and pin pads that everyone else is.

He assures me that they wipe everything down and the whole airport smells like bleach. But I feel that unless they wipe it down after every use (they don’t) it’s pointless.

He thinks I’m overreacting, and maybe I am. But it sucks knowing there’s nothing I or he can really do.

While I can control my little bubble, I can’t control his and I’m terrified that he’s going to bring it home.

He is definitely not worried like I am and that is very upsetting to me. I won’t even kiss him on the lips right now because I’m so scared (this is me controlling my bubble).

I can only remember to clean so much! Hand photo created by freepik – www.freepik.com

I go around the house and spray disinfectant on the doorknobs and light switches. But I’m not sure that’s enough.

I still have to go to the store too, but I make sure to rock the latex gloves – because pin pads!

Then I realize I forgot to wipe down my cell phone that I touched with those germ-infested gloves and have touched several times over since I’ve been home.

Now I’m probably doomed.

Because it has a 1-2 week incubation period, I feel like every time one of us leaves the house the timer starts.

But since my hubby leaves the house almost daily, the timer never stops.

It doesn’t help that he insists on texting me the latest Coronavirus statistics every hour.

A hypochondriac and the Coronavirus crisis

For some reason, I can deal with the statistics, but I can’t handle articles about the stages of the sickness itself.

I’ve read way too many already, so I know the symptoms, but each new article just intensifies my fear. It makes me want to cry.

I’m worried about my family getting sick. Medical photo created by prostooleh – www.freepik.com

I’m constantly checking everyone’s forehead for fever (including mine like every hour). If it feels even the slightest bit warm, a wave of panic vertigo kicks in.

Every time I or my family coughs, my mind races. Was that a dry cough or a wet cough? Do I have a fever?

I’ve been having a lot of back pain recently. Is it a sign of body aches, lung cancer, or does my mattress just suck?

I’ve had a headache a few times this week – not unusual for me. But supposedly Ibuprofen exacerbates Covid-19 and can make it go downhill fast. So I have to stick with crappy Tylenol in the meantime.

Anytime my family has a physical complaint, my heart races. In fact, just now, my energetic 9-year-old son just told me he’s very tired at 1 pm and I’m freaking out a little bit.

I just checked his head and he seems fine.  

Is it Covid-19 or just anxiety?

My kid is aware of the Coronavirus, but thankfully he is not preoccupied with it.

He also deals with anxiety, so I am not letting him see my fear. Though, he is getting annoyed at how often I’m checking his forehead.

When my friends post that they are feeling symptoms, I immediately think they have it and check on their posts daily to see their progress.

If they don’t post updates, I will flat out ask them how they are doing. I’m probably annoying them, but I’m just concerned about their well being!

How I manage Illness Anxiety

This is my secret and it’s awfully lonely.

I don’t talk about it with anyone except for a few close friends and my husband. He encourages me to see a doctor if I’m concerned, but he also thinks I’m a little crazy.

Illness anxiety disorder can make you feel very lonely.

When I have a physical issue that is affecting my daily life, I go see a specialist.

However, unlike many “typical” hypochondriacs, I mostly believe the doc when they tell me it’s nothing to worry about and it definitely alleviates my fears.

The rest of the time, I just try to keep myself distracted with work or by watching TV.

But the second I have a physical symptom, my stomach knots up and the panic starts seeping in.

On the outside, I always wear my game face and get shit done.

On the inside, every day is a struggle right now and the only true escape for me is sleep.

Every night I go to bed hoping to live to see tomorrow.

Now the secret is out. But I don’t care.

Because I’m a hypochondriac and I’m not okay.

How are you feeling about the Coronavirus pandemic?

Leave me a comment and let me know.